My Battle with Postpartum Depression
Originally posted in March 2016
“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9
The strength and foundation that I’ve found in my relationship with Jesus Christ over the past year far surpasses the vulnerability at which I find myself as I prepare to share my story with you. For some of you who are familiar with me through social media, it may come as a surprise. To those who have walked with me, steps forward and steps backward, through 2014 and into 2015, you know more.
I share this with you today because my chains will encourage others. My chains will give courage to those who are suffering, and plant seeds of Truth into those who may suffer in the future.
The Face of Postpartum Depression & Anxiety
After the birth of my second daughter in March of 2014, my husband Kris and I were going through many personal, business, and ministry changes in addition to our “new addition.” After 10 years of faithfully stewarding our non-profit internet radio station, Radio Free, God granted us a construction permit through the FCC to build a tower and launch our signal on 92.5FM. It was a time for so much celebration – the dream God planted into my husband’s heart in college had come to fruition! We had a beautiful, healthy new baby. Our marriage was stronger than ever, and I was serving in an incredible role that was aligned with my calling to teach the Bible to women in Community Bible Study.
But as days turned into weeks with our new baby, things didn’t feel the same as they did with our first child.
She was different than her sister, of course, but I found it increasingly more difficult to cope with being a new mom all over again. She cried – a lot – and while nursing came so naturally and easily with our first, the new baby and I couldn’t get in the swing of it. Hot tears would stream down my face as she latched for the 14th time in a day, and I felt like I would never get my independence back again. Delivering a baby was supposed to bring relief from the feeling of “sharing” your body with another – but I didn’t experience that. When she finally slept, my mind raced and I couldn’t sleep myself, fearing that something would happen to her. I had no patience for my husband or my older child, and I cried constantly. These were just the initial symptoms that would take deeper root over the next year, turning my life into one crippled with depression and anxiety.
I studied pregnancy and its “aftermath” a lot. Truth be told, I love to be in control, and the more knowledge I have, the more in control I feel about my circumstances. The warning signs for postpartum depression and anxiety were not just flashing – they were screaming. But, even with all of my knowledge – even about postpartum depression! – I just chalked it up to a stressful life situation and the “baby blues.”
Marathon runners carry something called “energy gel” with them as they run. It’s basically a high-performance sports nutrition food to help replenish glycogen and calories during intense physical activity. Motherhood requires the same thing. We pour ourselves out every day to our children, spouses, homes, families, friends, work, churches, volunteer organizations, and on and on. But truly, how often do we replenish what we’ve poured out? What kind of energy gel are we refueling with as mothers? In the throws of my postpartum depression and anxiety, and sticking with my marathon metaphor, I found myself curled up on the side of the road, completely unable to move with cramped legs and a defeated mind.
Rock Bottom
When our baby was 8 months old, I hit rock bottom. The great thing about hitting rock bottom is that there’s nowhere else to go but up. And because of my relationship with Christ, my hope was that in my recovery, God would allow me to share my story and to help other women. Through counseling, self-care strategies, removing responsibilities from my plate, more uninterrupted one-on-one time with the Lord, exercise, nutrition, AND medication, I’ve recovered. It took focused effort every day, but thankfully, I reached a point where I could identify the negative self-talk as the depression… and not Whitney.
Postpartum Depression Warning Signs
I want to share with you some of the warning signs that may indicate that it’s more than the baby blues – and could be postpartum depression (symptom list from PostpartumProgress.com):
– You feel overwhelmed. Not like “hey, this new mom thing is hard.” More like, “I can’t do this and I’m never going to be able to do this.” You feel like you just can’t handle being a mother. In fact, you may be wondering whether you should have become a mother in the first place.
– You feel guilty because you believe you should be handling new motherhood better than this. You feel like your baby deserves better. You worry whether your baby can tell that you feel so bad, or that you are crying so much, or that you don’t feel the happiness or connection that you thought you would. You may wonder whether your baby would be better off without you.
– You don’t feel bonded to your baby. You’re not having that mythical mommy bliss that you see on TV or read about in magazines. Not everyone with PPD feels this way, but many do.
– You can’t understand why this is happening. You are very confused and scared.
– You feel irritated or angry. You have no patience. Everything annoys you. You feel resentment toward your baby, or your partner, or your friends who don’t have babies. You feel out-of-control rage.
– You feel nothing. Emptiness and numbness. You are just going through the motions.
– You feel sadness to the depths of your soul. You can’t stop crying, even when there’s no real reason to be crying.
– You feel hopeless; like this situation will never ever get better. You feel weak and defective, like a failure.
– You can’t bring yourself to eat, or perhaps the only thing that makes you feel better is eating.
– You can’t sleep when the baby sleeps, nor can you sleep at any other time. Or maybe you can fall asleep, but you wake up in the middle of the night and can’t go back to sleep no matter how tired you are. Or maybe all you can do is sleep and you can’t seem to stay awake to get the most basic things done. Whichever it is, your sleeping is completely screwed up and it’s not just because you have a newborn.
– You can’t concentrate. You can’t focus. You can’t think of the words you want to say. You can’t remember what you were supposed to do. You can’t make a decision.
– You feel like you’re in a fog.
– You feel disconnected. You feel strangely apart from everyone for some reason; like there’s an invisible wall between you and the rest of the world.
– Maybe you’re doing everything right. You are exercising. You are taking your vitamins. You have a healthy spirituality. You do yoga. You’re thinking, “Why can’t I just get over this?” You feel like you should be able to snap out of it, but you can’t.
– You might be having thoughts of running away and leaving your family behind. Or you’ve thought of driving off the road, or taking too many pills, or finding some other way to end this misery.
– You know something is wrong. You may not know you have a perinatal mood or anxiety disorder, but you know the way you are feeling is NOT right. You think you’ve “gone crazy”.
– You are afraid that this is your new reality and that you’ve lost the “old you” forever.
– You are afraid that if you reach out for help people will judge you. Or that your baby will be taken away.
Additionally, if you are suffering from postpartum OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder) and anxiety, you may be experiencing these symptoms:
– Your thoughts are racing. You can’t quiet your mind. You can’t settle down. You can’t relax.
– You feel like you have to be doing something at all times. Cleaning bottles. Cleaning baby clothes. Cleaning the house. Doing work. Entertaining the baby. Checking on the baby.
– You are worried. Really worried. All. The. Time. Am I doing this right? Will my husband come home from his trip? Will the baby wake up? Is the baby eating enough? Is there something wrong with my baby that I’m missing? No matter what anyone says to reassure you it doesn’t help.
– You may be having disturbing thoughts. Thoughts that you’ve never had before. Scary thoughts that make you wonder whether you aren’t the person you thought you were. They fly into your head unwanted and you know they aren’t right, that this isn’t the real you, but they terrify you and they won’t go away. These thoughts may start with the words “What if …”
– You are afraid to be alone with your baby because of scary thoughts or worries.You are also afraid of things in your house that could potentially cause harm, like kitchen knives or stairs, and you avoid them like the plague.
– You may feel the need to check things constantly. Did I lock the door? Did I lock the car? Did I turn off the oven? Is the baby breathing?
– You may be having physical symptoms like stomach cramps or headaches, shakiness or nausea. You might even have panic attacks.
– You feel like a captive animal, pacing back and forth in a cage. Restless. On edge.
– You can’t eat. You have no appetite.
– You’re having trouble sleeping. You are so, so tired, but you can’t sleep.
– You feel a sense of dread; like something terrible is going to happen.
– You know something is wrong. You may not know you have a perinatal mood or anxiety disorder, but you know the way you are feeling is NOT right. You think you’ve “gone crazy”.
– You are afraid that this is your new reality and that you’ve lost the “old you” forever.
– You are afraid that if you reach out for help people will judge you. Or that your baby will be taken away.
If any of these symptoms resonate with you, please – let me encourage you to reach out to someone safe and ask for help. Find a counselor. Talk to your spouse or your best friend or your parents. There’s nothing the enemy wants more than to make a woman suffering with PPD think that she is alone and beyond help. You are not alone, and you can be healed.